As I mentioned before, I was able to get some reading down during my hiatus to the suburbs. My first read was The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars by Miriam Peskowitz.
This is a book that I was really excited to read. Because I am sooo tired of hearing about the so-called Mommy Wars which pit "working mothers" against "at-home mothers". I was particularly interested in reading about whether our "choices" about balancing mothering and work were in fact choices at all and her take on Lisa Belkin's article "The Opt Out Revolution" and all of the discussion which followed its publication.
Belkin identified the trend of highly educated women with Big Careers in law and business "opting out" of the corporate rat race once they had children. And when I first read her article, I identified with these women as I too was an MBA from a decent business school with a high-paying job who "decided" to first downshift and then to leave the workforce altogether in part because I did not see how I could incorporate a much desired family life with my then-work situation (and in part because I was literally going crazy).
Peskowitz shows that, in fact, there is no clear divide of mothers who "choose" to work and those who "opt-out". 63% of US mothers work "less than full-time" and instead transition in and out of the workplace, working part-time, working from home, trying a number of options to try to find something that works for them. The situation of the working mom camp sitting on one side of the room and the at home mom camp on the other with no common ground among them a la Dr. Phil, is simply a construct to make for good, argument fueled tv. Peskowitz argues that this illusion of choice which fuels The Mommy Wars distracts us from the real issues that all parents face.
Issues like the political environment that American (and to lesser extent Canadian) families face - where issues like childcare and parenting support are labelled "private" and thus expected to be solved within the home. Peskowitz smartly points out that issues of family are only "private" when it works to the benefit of politicians. Because after all the government does make decisions about who can marry, who can adopt, when children must go to school, when children need carseats, how families are taxed. Why are these issues viewed as "public" when daycare, employment laws, and maternity leave are not?
And because so much of the answer to making life better for mothers is feminism, I was thrilled to read her discussion of how staying at home with children can, in fact, be a feminist decision. As I discussed before, I had felt somewhat embarassed when I first attended the ARM conference on Mothering and Feminism as a stay-at-home mom. I felt as though second wave feminists felt that I had somehow let down the side (my feelings changed as the conference progressed).
After all, I had taken a spot at a top business school and studied Finance, a once male bastion. And then I had joined an investment bank where I was paid as well as the guys. I was doing exactly what my feminist sisters had paved the way for me to do. And then I quit. First to work within not-for-profit at a huge salary reduction and then to stay at home and change diapers. Could I still, in fact, be considered a feminist?
And Peskowitz came to my rescue: "Far from being Stepforded into quitting work and turning domestic and maternal, many women are in fact making their decisions to parent as a feminist critique of society, as feminists who do not want to give up mothering, and as women who see that the all-or-nothing demands of the workplace push women against a wall." I was not thinking of this when I quit but I'd like to think that my decision can be seen as a feminist one.
Peskowitz goes onto describe the need for work flexibility for all mothers by quoting from Betty Frieden's Feminine Mystique:
"[women need] lifetime commitments to an art or science, to politics or profession. Such commitment is not tied to a specific job or locality. It permits year-to-year variation - a full-time paid job in one community, part-time in another, exercise of the professional skill in serious volunteer work or a period of study during pregnancy or early motherhood when a full-time job is not feasible."
Peskowitz notes that "parents of young children face an enormous increase in the amount of work they do; this needs to be recognized as difficult and needs to be relieved in some way." Peskowitz reframes the discussion to focus not in how much work we "choose" to do but how much work we all need relief from doing. This shifts the discussion from what decision a mom makes with regards to work to what society needs to do to assist in the work of parenting.
And because, whenever one brings attention to the problem facing mothers, and asks for help, one is asked "what do mothers want?" (something I have mulled over here and here) Pescowitz offers us her answer:
"We want lots of things. We want fair work and wages, and we want some relief from work, too. We want access to all the well-paid full-time work we desire, in the fields, too, who still need our we want to work in, and at fair wages that equal those of men. We want flexibility for all parents, male and female, when it comes to caring for children, for the littlest ones who need so much time and attention and who keep us up all night, and for the older ones, too, who still need our care, and often at unpredictable times. We want good part-time work options, with fair wages, benefits, and security and advancement. We want it recognized that kids' preschool years are special, and that daycare is important, crucially important, but it's not the entire answer. We want policies that both improve daycare options and supporting caring for one's own children at home. And we want unpaid childcare and domestic labor to be valued, for men and for women. We want this unpaid labor to no longer be devalued as "women's work," but to be seen as important work without which little of life as we know it would be possible.
There. That's what we want. And if it seems like a lot, it's not. It's actually the bare minimum. But it's long overdue and about time."
A manifesto for a new generation of mamas. It made me want to jump up and yell "Amen, Sister" and do a little fight the power punch into the air. I'm seriously thinking about making copies and taping them to lightposts all over the city.
So how do we begin to get this off the ground? Peskowitz's answer is through a Playground Revolution (also the name of her website). It's through parents asking for small changes that will make life better for them and those around them. It's organizing babysitting coops within a neighborhood. It's asking the local school to have meetings in the evening so everyone is included. It's participating in nurse-ins in front of breastfeeding unfriendly businesses. It's talking openly about what's wrong and being open to alternate parenting ideas without judgement. It's buying products from family friendly corporations and refusing to buy products from those that aren't. It's turning the personal into the political.
Sometimes these little actions turn into broader movements - the formation of mothering centres and advocacy groups which lobby for change. Peskowitz describes powerful legal and systemic changes that have resulted from grassroots activism.
This book is not simply good, it's important. It is a unifying tool which shows how we have all made different parenting decisions in response to the same societal flaws. And so instead of fighting one another, to ease our collective guilt, we can work together to make all of our lives easier. It is not overly weighty, is not flippant in its tone, and it offers some ideas for making change rather than simply identifying the problems. And it will make you want to make some waves.
And I am having the exact opposite experience. I also work in IS (IT Security, a *very* male dominated field) for an engineering firm, and before little darlin I was very much one of the boys, and now, after two months back to work, I am still struggling with them opening the door to let me back.
Apparently staying home is what I whan, according to them (I am the sole income for my family), and are making every effort to keep me there.
As you said, Jen, I wish more time would be dedicated to the middle ground, to those of us who have to work, but need a balance between it and our needs for our kids too.
Somehow I am not thinking that this will happen for our generation though..maybe for our kids generation.
Posted by: Sasha (Life, or something like it) | June 16, 2005 at 02:10 PM
Excellent. I'll have to pick it up.
Posted by: Andrea | June 16, 2005 at 07:44 AM
I started blogging after I discovered (years late, I know) the book Mother Shock and also Peskowitz's web site. Mother Shock TOTALLY spoke to me but there's something about Peskowitz that seems not quite right to me. Or at any rate, not quite my experience.
I was a well-paid IS person (also a male-dominated field) in an engineering company (read: male) and I never felt discriminated against. I did active guy things like snowboarding and mtn biking, and I never felt like the guys were merely tolerating my participation. Now I am a primarily stay-at-home mom (I work 6 hrs/wk) with 2 kids and I only ride my bike to the park! But, you know, that's OK. It's just temporary. It's the phase I'm in right now.
Aaanyway it is very late and my brain is not working quite right but I guess I want to say that I don't feel like a revolution is needed. Is that terrible to say? I keep wondering if things are different for me because we live in a small town and are moderately well-off and I'm optimistic by nature. And I am a quiet person, meaning I don't socialize very much, so who's going to give me a hard time for my choices?
Jen I would like to hear more about your personal experience. Do you feel like you've opted out? Or like you ducked out for awhile and plan to jump back in? Also, do you regret it?
Posted by: Jennifer | June 16, 2005 at 01:46 AM