The Price of Smug

I have written a lot on mother judgement.  How the policing of our maternal abilities, and the maternal abilities of others, is a bad thing.

And yet even though I am accutely aware of mother judgement -- when it appears in society, and when it occurs among mothers -- I still find myself falling into that trap on occasion.

It tends to be when I am feeling unconfident in my mothering abilities.  When everyone around me seems to be doing things so much better than I am.  So I look for chinks in their armour.  I look to find fault.  And, damn it, when I find that fault (because who among us is faultless), I feel a little smug.

Andrea Gordon wrote a wonderful piece in The Star on grocery shopping for a household with 4 teenage boys.  Clearly this is a woman who pays attention to other people's shopping carts, as she wheels her carbs-laden carts through the busy aisles of No-Frills several times a week. I too pay attention to other people's carts, and often with a certain degree of smugness.  As I wheel my cart through the supermarket, filling it with Fair Trade Chocolate and Organic Milk and Juice That's Green and Filled with Wheatgrass, I can look into other people's Dorito and soda laden-carts and feel like I'm a Really Good Person. 

So today in Loblaws (where I had to pick up hot dog buns (bad food = bad mom) for my daughter's Picardee sandwiches (fun food = good mom) as they don't sell them at Whole Foods (where I planned to do the bulk of my shopping = really good mom)), I cruised organics section where they had a sale on natural cosmetics.  Cosmetics that are Organic and Not Animal Tested and On Sale.  My god, I could buy makeup, score a bargain and Feel Good About My Choices all at the same time. 

And while I tried to decide between the Burgandy Rose and Coral Rose blush and the Fawn and Storm eyeshadows, the Organics Guy (it is not clear to me who he worked for - he might have worked for the merchandiser rather than for the store, like the people who hand out little bits of things on toothpicks or dixie cups full of soup) engaged me in conversation.  He told me that the cosmetics were all-natural and I replied (smugly) that I knew all about them and had bought them before.  He then identified me as a kindred spirit dedicated to healthy and natural living (clearly he had not spied the Wonder hot dog buns in my cart). 

So we had a little chat about the horrors of chemicals.  And about how I would not use a number of cosmetic products during pregnancy. And I, in my Choice of Good Products, felt bathed in smugness.  And then he confided in me that he had been so appaled by a recent parenting article in The Star that he felt compelled to write in.  And I listened, expecting to hear about the virtues of organic milk or meat or non-chemical sunblock and waiting to have yet another one of my decisions affirmed.  But instead, the article he referred to was about the current thinking that women experiencing depression should stay on anti-depressants during pregnancy.

It's so irresponsible, he said.  Those medicines do terrible things.  What are those mothers thinking? Don't they know there are all sorts of safe alternatives? Don't they know that fish oil will work just as well?

I felt like I'd been hit in the chest with a baseball bat. 

Because I took antidepressants while pregnant.  I am one of those mothers. 

The decision to take antidepressants while pregnant was not something that I entered into lightly.  I talked to my doctors.  I talked to Motherrisk.  I read every bit of clinical evidence (as there are no formal studies) I could get my hands on.  When there was any doubt as to a research report's conclusions, I contacted the researcher - in Tokyo, in Chile. I looked into all of the alternative solutions --fish oil and vitamin B and yoga and meditation and St John's wort and valerian and every f*cking natural thing under the sun.  They didn't work.  Zoloft did.

And I'm comfortable with my decision. There was no impact on the baby.  It was based on thorough research and the best information available at the time. And it probably saved my life.

But hearing someone say What are those mothers thinking? What were you thinking? Why the hell didn't you just eat more fish? It's terrible.  It's hits you in the deepest of places.

And, I guess, what I am trying to say is that this is the cost of judgment, of smugness.  No matter how secure our status as "good mother" seems, eventually we will be judged harshly.  Because as long as we allow ourselves to be judged.  To be deemed yummy or unyummy or hot or not or Good mothers or Bad. As long as we judge each other, even in fun, we can never win.  Because Heidi Klum got thin quickly (good) but her kids have different dads (bad). Because Angelina adopts orphans (good) but steals husbands (bad). Because some women breastfeed (good) but they work outside the home (bad).  Because even though I am a SAHM (good), and I lost my baby weight quickly (good), I buy organic food (good), I read to my kids (good), I had them in my early 30's when I was Financially Secure but not Too Old (good) and I don't wear mom jeans (very good), all of that is offset by the fact that I took anti-depressants while pregnant, when all I needed to do was eat more brain-developing fish, and I didn't breastfeed. Oh, I'm sorry, you were so close, but I'm afraid that another mother was simply a little better qualified than you. 

I don't know what the solution is.  By nature I am a competitive person.  I want to do well.  I'm also an insecure person and sometimes all I want is to better than the guy next to me.  But while being declared the winner, successful, works in all sorts of aspects of our lives, it doesn't work with mothering.  Because to scrutinize others, is to invite scrunity on ourselves.  And that, for all of us, is a losing proposition.

Comments

[That Deborah Girl]

If you care this much, you're a good mom. All of us go off the deep end sometimes.

I had enlisted in the Army and three months later I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea and in the first three months of being in the Army EVERYTHING you do is bad for pregnancy from the strenuous excercise, to the shots, to the "gas chamber" experience, everything you do is supposed to turn a kid into a mutant.

When I found out I was pregnant, I quit. I went home and worried for three months. I wouldn't even put a relaxer in my hair because I was afraid of any more chemicals. I explained the situation to my obgyn, she did every test short of amnio to prove to me things would be ok. I finally believed her and stopped worrying.

My daughter is 13 now and perfect. She was a little small at birth, only 5 pounds, but otherwise is in great health.

Good moms worry. Bad moms obsess or worst case scenario abuse or allow abuse or neglect. If you lover your kids and worry this much, you're a good mom.

[Ann D]

It's awful to be judged -- especially about an area of your mothering where you already feel vulnerable. I remember when I was at an all-time low in my life as a mom -- when one of my kids was struggling, and I was struggling with the fact that my child was struggling, and my life was reeling out of control for all kinds of other really complicated reasons -- this other mom made a comment about how my child would not be struggling if I was a better mother. I was completely floored and completely devastated. It knocked the wind out of me for the longest time. This other person had no idea what our family was going through -- or how hard we were trying to get help for our child. Her comment seemed to nullify all that and to tattoo a scarlett "BAD MOTHER" label across my forehead, where everyone in town could see it. Or at least that's the way it felt.

[Amy]

Um, have I mentioned lately that I'm an idiot? Who thought Typepad ATE her first comment and went and wrote a second one? And now I see I was wrong? Have I mentioned that?

[Amy]

What a great post, Jen. We moms face such relentless and judgmental scrutiny for every single choice we make that it's really understandable that it's hard to turn that judgment function off when it comes to measuring ourselves against other moms. After all, people are about a thousand times more likely to tell moms what they're doing wrong than what they're doing well.

My ten-year-old had a preschool teacher at the campus childcare center when he was three, the amazing Teacher Mary, who made a point of telling parents, "You're doing a WONDERFUL job!" on a weekly basis. I still think of her seven years later because she was the only person saying that then. After reading your post, I'm thinking it's something we all need to hear far more than we do.

Andi Buchanan has a wonderful piece in Mother Shock about trying to figure out the compassionate, kind message behind seemingly judgmental and definitely annoying comments about her parenting. Granted, sometimes the comments are just plain mean, but often they stem from ignorance and/or the mind-boggling FEAR we all have of screwing up this incredible task of parenting.

(Also, Marla? I let my kids pee on the trees by the playground back in the days of two youngsters and a baby. I know, it's gross! Awful! But so were the public bathrooms in our parks, and some days, dragging the other two kids all the way to the gross bathroom, where I'd have to keep them out of the guck on the floor, was just too much for this mom.)

[nancy]

Excellent post.

[ceebee]

You certainly have a way with words Jenn.
Great post... thanks...

[Amy]

This is a wonderful post, Jen. With so many voices telling moms what we should look like, act like, eat, do, drive, think, and feel, it's no wonder we end up judging others and ourselves so harshly. The antidote, as you say, is to recognize the problem and its effects and try not to compete. So easy to say..so hard to do when the larger culture can make us feel like one mistake will mean a diminished life for our kids.

I tell other parents that my definition of a good day parenting is a day when we all ate, we all got hugged, and we made it through the day in one piece. Sometimes people think I'm joking, but I mean it. I was driving myself crazy living up to standards no one can really live up to. Is it a coincidence that so many mamas are on anti-depressants? I'm honestly starting to wonder. If fathers were subjected to the same constant scrutiny, what would happen to their mental health?

[Daxohol]

Very good post. The constant scrutiny that mothers are under is an overwhelming issue indeed.

[Liz]

Ack...you've touched on a nerve with this post (wonderful, btw) because I often times find myself feeling hurt by thoughtless people; especially, since I'm a live and let live sort of gal. Sometimes, people need to spew to make themselves feel better in an odd sort of way.

It's like the saying, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one!"

Thanks for a good read.

(btw - my link has changed to thisfullhouse.com, thanks!)

[Patience]

Personally I think that taking antidepressants in pregnancy because you need them regularly is like putting on the oxygen mask first in a plane before you put it on your child so that you are functional and can take care of them. (maybe not a great analogy but it's the best I could do)

Some moms take insulin, others take blood thinners or anti seizure drugs or whatever. The doctors for the most part are confident that the effect on the baby is minimal so you should be confident.

I think they should be promoting their use for people who need them; not scaring people to go without with bad consequences. I guess nobody remembers that doctor and her baby who jumped to her death a few years back and wouldn't seek help beforehand. Anyway; that's my two cents.

[Kira]

very nice post.

[Sharon]

Great Blog Marla

Funny I do always tend to look at other mom's and say Gee isn't she a GREAT MOM I want to be like that. I want her patinece and I need to know what she does to get her kids to behave so well. I seem to be always comparing myself to others and I always come up short. I guess I should STOP; my kids are like no others and there is no way to parent them the to same or like any one else.

And I'm sooo Bad at the Grocery Cart Bashing. I'm always looking for how much junk they have compared to me. SIGH.

Now did you say anything to this un informed gentleman? He has no clue does he?

[MoMo]

I, too, would like to be less judgemental and less judged in return, but I often wonder what the line is between having an opinion (and having the courage to say it) and placing judgement. There is a line, I know, but I get confused about it. Sometimes I am afraid that the end result is the silencing of women - that we will become so worried about appearing judgemental that we will no longer speak (not literally, course). I want disagreement and debate because it helps me learn, but I also want the space to have those things without feeling attacked and without making others feel attacked.

[Heather]

Great post. Reminds me of that quote about how there are a million ways to be a good mom, but no way to be a perfect mom.

[Marla Good]

Posts like this leave me wondering about all of the inadvertently wrong comments I might have made or might yet make despite my best intentions to any other mother - there are the careless asides that stem from pure thoughtlessness that I might never know have hurt someone. But these days, one must know that making sweeping proclamations might touch a few nerves. But when it comes down to it, sometimes comments such as you encountered are not so much opportunities to open a discourse, but a chance to remind people about such things as manners. You might never get the full satisfaction of educating someone as to the full extent of a situation, but it gives some pleasure to say "How could you possibly know anything more than what you've read about post-partum depression and still consider your opinion worthy of regard?"

But I admit that I too participate in the sport of judging - how can families fill up entire carts of groceries with crap food, ringing up totals of $70 bucks for a week's worth of food, when I'm struggling at No Frills (bad!) to get out of there under $200? How can that mother bring her daughter to the drop-in with a cold like that? How can those mothers let their kids push past mine in line at the mats at the gym? How can that mother let her son pee against a tree at the park right near the playground? I share the snark with (hopefully) like-minded mommy friends, but how do I know I haven't touched a nerve? I don't. It will take someone to correct me some day, hopefully with the grace and tact so that I know exactly how I was offensive, to help me become a bettern person. I'm not "bad"because I judge - I'm bad mostly if I do it from a point of ignorance and at worst if I do so because I assume more knowlege than I have. As I pointed out in a comment elsewhere, silence to some might equal acceptance. We as mothers and women don't need to use every opportunity to educate people about a subject in its entirety, but we do need to hold people accountable for their own verbalized ignorance. Myself included. It's not a license to assume an Emily Post role - it's an invitation to gently remind people that words hurt, which might lead them to think about how the thinking behind them might stand some correction as well.

[Miche]

Well put and so true.

We need to remember that all moms are good moms. All moms are doing the absolute best that they can with the cards they are dealt. Being a good mom isn't about getting a good hand, it's about how you play the one you are dealt.

I'd like to know what it is about moms' internal dialogues that allow us to judge ourselves so harshly. (Although external factors are there judging us, ultimately it is us who accepts the judgement and chooses to wear or wallow in said judgement.) I don't see this behaviour in dads. I don't know of any dads saying "if only I spent more time talking to junior when he was in utero", "I shouldn't have used that nasty chemical solvent while cleaning junior's room" or "I should have spent more time making sure junior gets a proper amount of fruits and vegetables in his snacks." They make a decision, own it and then move on. No looking back. No regrets.

Perhaps it is our ability to retrospect and introspect so obsessively that contributes to being a good mom. Perhaps we need to be on watch so that we don't take that skill too far.

[Andrea]

I'm so sorry. I've been there.

And here's the funny thing: My letter from the editor next Wednesday is going to be on exactly this topic.

It is hard to take the gloves off, but you're right, we've got to do it.